I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
