my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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