woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
