so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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