I think I won the penis lottery.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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