There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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