I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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