We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm passing your future prison.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
