im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She needs sedatives and a leash
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
