I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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