WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
