i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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