Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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