May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
