You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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