I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
