Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
