People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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