Jerry, you need to find god
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
