She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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