The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
50% drunk capacity currently
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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