I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
