my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize