I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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