Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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