Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
