My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
