Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
