I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
