The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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