She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
