Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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