So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
