I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
