Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
