i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
