the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
