You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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