Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just gargled with NyQuil
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
