the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I believe in your delicious
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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