apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
