final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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