I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
