Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
