Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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