i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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