I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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