The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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