I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
