have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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