HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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